i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
