White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
