he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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