Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
