is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
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