Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
