The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
