I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
