Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
