just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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