K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
