he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
