grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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