have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
