Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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