there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize