Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize