i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The best revenge is premature balding
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
