Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
