the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
