I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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