I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Randomize
