Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Barsexuality is the new black.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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