I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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