Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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