we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize