saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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