Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
