My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
