I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
