I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
