I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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