So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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