Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
