she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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