6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize