i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
