I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
