it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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