you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
