By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
