ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
