My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
