Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
