I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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