I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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