we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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