i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
