when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
