please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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