The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
