u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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