It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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