How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
