My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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