Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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