oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
