yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
