I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have fence marks all over my body
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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